The craft theme in The Inkwell this month is “Summer Love,” and we kicked off August with a craft guide to six different types of love in fiction, as identified by the ancient Greeks:
Eros: Romantic Love
Philia: Friendly Love
Storge: Familiar Love
Agape: Universal Love
Ludus: Playful Love
Pragma: Enduring Love
The Six Love Stories guide takes a close look at each type of love — and how to build each kind of relationship on the page.
But there are two Greek concepts of love that didn’t make it into the guide: Philautia (self-love) and Mania (obsessive love). I left self-love out because I wanted to focus, in the guide, on relationships between and among people, and because I wanted to dive a little deeper into self-love than the guide would really allow — after all, so much of so many heroes’ (and heroines’) journeys are about learning to love themselves in one way or another.
I left out mania because there was actually a lot of conflicting discussion out there on whether it even counts as a Greek love concept or not. Still, it seems worth talking about.
So, each of those “leftover” concepts gets its own blog post this month. You’re reading about philautia now, and you can read about mania here.
Self-Love 101
Philautia (pronounced fill-ow-tee-uh, FYI) deals with a range of emotions and behaviors that revolve around one's relationship with oneself. Someone with a deep sense of philautia exhibits real self-respect, self-compassion, and a healthy sense of self-worth. To be clear, philautia is not about narcissism or vanity—that’s a whole different conversation topic. Rather, this kind of self-love is about a character recognizing her value and treating herself with the same care she would give a loved one.
The Greeks (rightly, IMHO) considered philautia to be a foundational love, as loving ourselves empowers us to better love others. Aristotle even went so far as to say, “All friendly feelings toward others come from the friendly feelings a person has for himself.”
Self-Love in Fiction
The above definition of self-love sounds fairly aspirational, doesn’t it? Even for the best of us. That’s true in fiction, too. I’d venture to guess that your protagonist doesn’t have a fully developed sense of philautia on page one — or, if she does, it’s about to get seriously challenged. This is a powerful angle from which to approach character growth. Through all the protagonist endures, how does she learn to better love herself? It’s also a great path into internal conflict, vulnerability, and all that good stuff that makes readers really love and relate to a character.
So, how do you write it?
Lean In to Personal Struggles & Growth
Explore your character’s internal struggles, such as low self-esteem, self-doubt, negative self-talk and other limiting beliefs. Highlight all the ways these less-than-helpful perspectives impact the way the character makes decisions and interacts with others. How do her internal conflicts and limiting beliefs sabotage her?
On the flip side, let readers follow her journey of learning self-love — by example, by necessity, and come hell or high water. How does your protagonist learn to value and respect herself? What are the turning points in that journey?
Show Self-Care in Action
Whatever habits and practices your character is trying to build — from reframing negative thoughts to meditating and exercising to seeing a therapist to setting boundaries around her work or anything else — let us see her in action. Let us see her struggle with these new practices, then get better, then maybe experience a setback. Everyone who’s ever worked on treating themselves better knows it’s not a switch flip or a linear path. The more we see her practicing, the more authentic she’ll feel.
Let Her Self-Love Evolution Impact Other Relationships
As your character learns to love herself, how is the way she loves others changing? Is she setting stronger boundaries? Communicating more effectively? Showing up more honestly? On the other hand, how are her relationships supporting her growth journey? Are there any that are holding her back? How does she learn to deal with those?
Stay Away from Narcissism
Philautia is about healthy self-love — about characters showing themselves respect and compassion — not about characters putting themselves above others. If you’re intentionally writing a narcissistic character, great! These can be incredible foils to our protagonists and add great color and depth of a story. But if your aim is healthy self-love, be sure to stay on the right side of that thin line between confidence and arrogance, letting your character be proud of her strengths while still acknowledging her room for growth.
Writing Prompt
Write a scene in which a character who’s currently at a low point reaches a turning point in her journey toward self-love. (Consider a moment of realization, a conversation with a friend, or a breakthrough in therapy. as potential catalysts.) How do her internal dialogue and her emotions shift as she starts to embrace her own worth?
How is your protagonist learning to love herself?
Let me know in the comments! And, if you’d like to take deep dives into the other six Greek concepts of love, download Six Love Stories today!